How To Dance In The New Year


Written tonight
At 11:59 pm
Not that it matters, but I will be wearing my new mirrored platform dance shoes as I twirl

We are moving into a New Year.
It can be a new you in an old way or an old you in a new way.
You pick.
You decide.
That’s the beauty of movement – it doesn’t really matter if you move forward or backwards – just move.
Motion creates chaos and isn’t that what we’re all looking for?
A chaotic dance of cosmic delight?
That, and a good bottle of Tequila are all I need.
Of course Humps needs something a little different – that’s why I need to get to the store immediately to get him his food.
But this isn’t about me or Humps.
It’s about you and the beauty of your life.
I celebrate you and all of your decisions.
I am not going to tell you all about my decisions because I’m not exactly sure if they are a cause for celebration.
Now Humps is grunting at me to put my dancing shoes on so I’ve got to go.

In Peace & Love
And all things dancing,
Your chaotic spinner,
On poles,
Happy New Year,

Dr. Beasely

Keeping It Light, Making It Merry


Written thirty-six years ago
During a snowstorm
Not that it matters, but I was waiting for Santa and he got lost

Dear Dr. Beasley,
I don’t really know what to say.
You really aren’t helping me whatsoever.
And yet, I want to keep reading about you because it’s like some sort of addiction – I like thinking about cosmic comedy and how we are all spinning out of control.
Sincerely,
Savannah

Dear Savannah,
You are so wise, so smart, so intuitive.
I really don’t know what else to say.
You are above and beyond.
You are beyond – beyond.
You are an infinite dancer looking for a stage.
Be sure to sign up for my upcoming cooking seminar called “Cooking for Catatonics” this Saturday from 9 to 5.

Yours truly,
Your doctor and mine,
Wishing you all good things
In life & light,

Dr. Beasley

Don’t Let The Stress Get To You This Holiday Season


Written today
Right after my fourth espresso
Not that it matters, but I will be driving to the mall because Humps can’t take me

Why not take the stress off your back this Holiday Season by signing up for my webinar tomorrow afternoon called “How To Do All Your Shopping While Outside Of Your Body?”
It’s easy to sign up – simply send me a psychic email and I’ll put your name on the list.
Why not alleviate the stress, drama and physical exhaustion and make your holidays full of good cheer?
Jump out of your body, take a breath, and get on your camel and ride.
I know that’s what I’m going to do…once the tree is up, the packages are wrapped, the stockings are stuffed, the table is set with festive decorations and the dinner is in the oven.
And you can stand proud.
You did everything while you were out of your body.
How easy was that?

I want to thank all of you for thanking me.
For without you I couldn’t do any of this.
Or maybe I could.
I’m not sure.
With love & light & excellent coffee,

Dr. Beasley

Don’t Let Your Death Stop You From Achieving Your Goals


Written in my last life
While I was falling off a cliff
Not that it matters, but I thought, “Here we go again.”

Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you cannot achieve your goals.
God doesn’t want you to get bored.
Boredom leads to chocolate cake.
He wants you to get up, brush yourself off and say, “Okay, I’m dead. Big deal. What’s next?”
If you really do believe in an afterlife than you know you’re going to be busy.
It’s a big Universe with multiple dimensions. Just because we can’t understand it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
You might be working even harder.
You might have more goals.
Don’t let the thought of your impending demise slow you down.
Start making lists.
Plan ahead.
Start thinking now about things you really want to do when you are on a new level of existence.
It helps take the pressure off – that way you don’t have to worry – so what if you don’t finish everything in this dimension.
There are always others.
Don’t think of it as an ending.
Think of it as a beginning that never ends.

Always keeping it real,
Because that’s just what I do,
An eternal cosmic dancer,
Spinning hugs to you,

Dr. Beasley

Dear Dr. Beasley

Written last night
Right after dinner
Not that it matters, but
I poured a Turkish Coffee over a bowl of ice cream when I wrote this – it was delish

I love all your cards and letters.
Remember my psychic in-box is always open.
Here are a few letters I received this week.

Dear Dr. Beasley,
You are so well rounded. So rooted in reality. How do you do it?
Just Curious

Dear Just Curious,
Well, that’s an easy one.
I had a marvelous childhood. For the two hours I was let out of the closet.
Oh come on, I’m kidding.
I was out for at least four hours.
Peace Out,
Dr. Beasley

Dear Dr. Beasley,
How can I like my body?
All the best,
Nellie

Dear Nellie,
Don’t.
Ignore it.
Eventually it’ll come around and present itself better.
Don’t give it time in the mirror.
Make it jealous of your face.
Only take pictures from its worst angle.
Even your body has an over inflated ego.
Tough love always does the trick.
Happy to be of help,
Call me anytime.
Just not collect.
Dr. Beasley

How To Celebrate Thanksgiving On The Road During A Whiteout


Written thirty-seven years ago
On a Tuesday
Not that it matters, but
I was driving cross country with my dear friend, Jane

Many people have written in to ask me, “Dear Dr. Beasley, is there really a way to celebrate Thanksgiving while traveling in your car during a whiteout in Colorado?”
Do not despair.
I think I have the answers you are looking for.
Thanks to my creative chef friend Jane, I have a bit of deliciousness to share with you.
1. Drop your attitude about roadkill. Why let a buzzard have the hearty meal you could have?
2. Rev up the engine to medium high and grill that kill till it’s juicy and tender.
3. For dessert, it’s a no-brainer. Take that gas funnel you should have and fill it with ice and experience the best snow cone you’ve ever had, mixed with mysterious and exotic flavors that defy description.
All recipes can be downloaded from my brain to yours – free of charge.
Because I’m a giver.
That’s just who I am.
Thanking you for thanking me for being exactly who you are.
Did that make any sense?
I never said it would.

Happy Thanksgiving,
In light and love and all things gobble,

Dr. Beasley

How To Be Negative In A Positive Way

Written 43,000 years ago
On a Tuesday
Not that it matters, but I wrote this in the distant past because I knew that one day I would want to give it to you in the future. That day is today. (Excerpt from my book – “The First Self-Help Book Guaranteed NOT To Help You”)

Many of us can be negative without realizing it yet there is a way to turn any negative statement into a positive one.
I pride myself on coming up with ways to turn statements.
I think of it as my form of poetry.
A delicate dance of balance and grace with but being the twinkling stardust to make the turn.
Remember but is your magic bullet.
Examples of Negative/Positive thinking:
1. She has the face of a horse but her beaver-like teeth pull the focus off of her homely face.
2. His nose is big enough to house a family of small trolls but when the wind blows through his nostrils it sounds like wind-chimes.
3. She has gargantuan derriere but it’s big enough to carry a cafeteria tray and serve drinks.
See it’s not that hard.
I’m glad I could clear the air.

Keep riding your camel,
In the oasis of your mind.
What did that mean?
I don’t know.
I just made it up.
Keep your shiny side up,

Dr. Beasley

The Proper Way To Live

Written twenty-five years ago
On a Friday at 2:23 pm
Not that it matters, but
I was working as a Slumber Hostess in a Mortuary

The proper way to live is to think of yourself as a balloon.
You are born a little deflated but as you begin to experience life, you inflate.
Probably full of helium, I’m not really sure.
As you gather experiences, you inflate and you begin to float – ever so slowly you begin to rise above circumstances, neighbors, good teachers, bad teachers, lovers, ex-husbands, camels, pets, best friends, friends who are no longer friends, friends who stole your boyfriend in high school, and in college and last week, your grudges, jobs you didn’t want, jobs you did want and thought you had until your employer informed you you were fired at 2:23 on a Friday afternoon – well, you get the idea.
Every experience will prepare you for what I like to call “Your Ultimate Float Day.”
That one special day when you rise into the sky…
only you become part of the sky, part of the fabric of the universe and you have a restored perspective of everything.
With a sigh you say, “Oh, okay…now I get it. My butt is your butt.”
I really shouldn’t be telling you any of this.
It’s supposed to be a big secret.
But seeing how I’ve been dead many times and many people actually think I am still dead, I thought you should know.

As always,
Your friend in all dimensions.
Cheers,

Dr. Beasley

Forget Your Bucket List


Written on a Saturday
16 billion years ago
Not that it matters, but I was a big ball of gas 

Do not write everything you want to do and put it on a list.
Then what happens when you get to the end of the list?
You kick the bucket.
Forget about it.
Just like my dear friends Kay and Larry have taught me – do everything you want to do then write it down and drop it into a huge bucket.
Preferably, an endless bucket that reaches to infinity.
This is a better way.
Because, after all, this whole thing called “life” doesn’t really end in what we think of as endings.
We are non-stop new beginnings – recycled Stardust of many dreams.
Leave your audience wanting more.
The same thing goes for your bucket.

Loving you till the end of time,
which never really ends.
Jazz Hands,

Dr. Beasley

What Is A Counseling Session With Me Like?


Written two weeks from yesterday
While counseling a client who shall remain nameless. His name is Scott
Not that it matters, but I was eating piece of pumpkin cheesecake when I wrote this

Some of you want to know what is a counseling session with me like before you send me your good money.
I don’t blame you. I would want to know the same thing.
First of all, let me set the stage – my office is full of soft lights, ancient rocks, and the sound of a singing humpback whale. This not a tape or CD, rather, it is an actual whale named Morris singing in the back room fish tank where we store the laser paper.
You will sit on my luxurious memory foam couch with the free form radical electrodes that reach up into your spine, relaxing you completely.
I will offer you coffee, tea or perhaps a pomegranate fruit smoothie with a shot of tequila because that’s what you like.
Then I will tell you a little bit about me.
I will tell you that I have had seven very successful marriages and am currently looking for my eighth.
I will tell you that I have one agoraphobic daughter named Hortense who won’t come out of her bedroom.
And I will tell you that I have a camel named Humps who takes me to the grocery store and beauty salon whenever I need to go. (Which is often because I have a lot of excess facial hair.)
Then I will ask about you.
I will glance at my watch and realize our time is over and you have to GET OUT.
I hope we’ve cleared the air, and now you feel far more comfortable coming to me – your counselor at large.

Always thinking of you,
Just not right now.
Your best friend and mine,

Dr. Beasley