Written three and a half thousand years ago
On a Tuesday
Not that it matters, but I was eating coconut ice cream with sticky rice when I wrote this
I have a pet camel.
His name is Humps.
If you live in drought-weary California, a camel is the pet you need.
Humps can drink 20 gallons of water at one time.
He can water your lawn, irrigate your garden and fill your swimming pool all at the same time.
And who wouldn’t love a pet who insists on taking naps with you?
Humps has two sets of extremely long eyelashes, bushy eyebrows and nostrils that close at will.
So the next time you’re on the red carpet and smell something you don’t like…be like Humps…
close your nostrils,
drink some water,
and take a nap.
Always there for you,
Except for right now,
Because I need coffee.
Written while sleeping
Three lifetimes ago
Not that it matters but, I was trying to save some time
Here are a few Time Saving Tips you can’t live without…
Well, to be honest, maybe you can live without them.
But come on, would you really want to?
1. You can’t text while driving – but no one ever said you can’t put your makeup on. You’ll be looking in the rearview mirror a lot if you’re applying mascara or eyeliner and that way you’ll see every car sneaking up behind you.
2. Vacuum while you’re cooking – I never said your food won’t taste like dirt – but your house will be clean. Especially if you have a camel like I do who frequently makes a mess in the house. Especially behind the TV.
3. Write while you’re sleeping – work out plot details and character bios in your dreams. Just tell yourself that you want your Night Writer to pay you a visit. He/She or It will give you the ideas and creative bursts you need. Just be sure to write everything down first thing in the morning before putting in your teeth, visiting the bathroom or having a cup of coffee or those inspirations will disappear forever.
That’s it – the time saving tips to change your life – and mine – especially if you pay me for it.
With love & virtual hugs,
Less germs that way,
Written 65 million years ago
In the early afternoon while eating shrubs and plants with my 800 teeth
Not that it matters, but I was a Three Horned Triceratops at the time
I remember the day – like it was yesterday.
The fact is it was 65 million years ago – the day we looked at one another and said “Let’s get our butts out of here.”
Sure there was a meteor but it was more than that.
It was our decision to exit.
Because we realized if we didn’t leave right then we would be holding back something else from coming.
The human beings.
If we stayed they wouldn’t come.
It was brave.
It was kind.
Even the frills on the back of my skull knew it was the right thing to do.
Had we not left Tyrannosaurus Rex would be running Apple computers.
And that would be a problem because his arms are too short to reach the keyboard.
Let alone use the new Apple Watch.
I’m just telling the truth because I want you to know.
Thinking of you always,
Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow,
You are my favorite,
Just don’t tell the others,
Written last night
At 3:03 am
Not that it matters, but I was participating in Underwater Disco Dancing when I wrote this
Is there a way people of the world can unite and explore what we have in common as opposed to how different we are?
Of course there is.
It’s called a potluck.
You bring your favorite food and I’ll bring mine.
The minute we pass gas together, we will realize we have a lot in common.
Neither one of us can digest beans.
Maybe we will share a cup of tea and some sort of delicate, flakey sweet dessert made with honey and nuts. And maybe you will tell me a joke in a language that I do not understand and maybe when I see you break into laughter I will know it’s a time for me to laugh so I will mirror your laughter back to you only in that moment it become real laughter and in that second we will share a bond that feels unbreakable.
When we experience this moment I realize rather than telling you how to do things differently I would rather ask you questions and learn something about you – like if you make pancakes, do you make them thin or thick? Same thing about pizza – thin crust or thick? What about beverages – do you prefer coffee or tea?
The questions have no end.
There is too much to learn.
So there you go.
When I see you floating one day as a piece of cosmic dust,
I will stop you, smile and say, “Excuse me, aren’t you the one who gave me that recipe for Baklava?”
And when I hear you laugh I will know.
With love and affection,
Written in last Saturday
While roller skating
Not that it matters but, sometimes gliding in circles gives you the best ideas
Every morning when I wake up, look in the mirror and tell myself I look great, it’s a benevolent con job.
Come on, get real, if I don’t tell myself good things who will?
In one way or another, it’s all about the con job.
Take the women on the show The Bachelor.
Are they there to find love?
Or are they there to launch their singing, acting or modeling career?
Or they’re just bored.
That’s why my new reality show, Who’s Conning Who? is a guaranteed hit.
1. Apprehend a criminal.
2. Give him a complete makeover: highlights, skin treatments, fix his teeth, shape up his wayward eyebrows and provide a new wardrobe.
3. Then make him the new Bachelor.
The most honest person on the show is probably the criminal.
Who knows, it might work out.
Just keeping it real,
Until we meet again,
Which might be never,
Written in Buddy’s Pizza Palace
In the back booth near the bathroom
Not that it matters but, I was eating an extra large garlic chicken pizza with white sauce when I wrote this
Get over it.
Move on and keep moving.
There, that’s it simple and to the point.
You’re wasting your vital energy and vibrational flow on someone who is not able to love.
Time to change your vibrations – just like you change your underwear.
Keep them fresh – every day.
Now let’s have a cuppa coffee.
In Love & Light,
Your doctor and mine,
Written on Mount Olympus
On a hot day
Not that this matters, but I wrote this right before an epic thunderstorm
You are more than you know.
Most of us think we know who we are.
We just know.
But did you know that there are a lot of things living inside of you?
Depending on you for their very existence?
Bacteria – good and bad
Microscopic organisms who are living because of you.
To them – you are their universe.
Their luxury condo.
Their club med.
And depending on the health of your bowels, they can’t go on without you.
So the next time you’re filling out your tax return be careful how many dependents you claim.
You have far more dependents than you could possibly imagine.
Always thinking of you,
In this world and the next,
Written two weeks ago
After I had gotten into bed without flossing
Not that it matters, but I got out of bed, flossed my teeth then wrote this
It’s not that hard.
It’s not that easy.
Think of it this way – we’re alive – on a planet spinning through space.
I like to think of this as our home away from home.
Our planet is our spaceship fully stocked with food, water, a good septic system, neighbors you like, neighbors you don’t like, ex-husbands you get along with, ex-husbands you never want to see again, potluck casseroles topped with marshmallows, music, books you can’t put down, books you never want to pick up, salsa dancing, camels, wolf-eels, jelly fish (you get the idea) and occasionally, karaoke.
Added bonuses are air, trees, the ocean, mountains, sunsets and holding hands.
Put on top of that the sound of children laughing and the ability to have your eyebrows shaped and waxed and you have a win-win.
Enjoy the ride.
For now this is our home – spaceship Earth worth adoring and protecting even when the septic system is less than perfect.
In health and peace,
Written this morning
In the bathtub
Not that this matters but, this an excerpt out of my best selling book “The First Self-Help Book Guaranteed NOT to Help You”
How To Be Your Own Imaginary Best Friend:
1. Take yourself out for coffee.
2. Pick up the check.
3. Listen to your brain…both sides.
4. Don’t be afraid to look in the mirror and smile.
5. If you scream…scream back.
6. Nothing is scarier than mirroring your own psychotic behavior
Take it from me.
I’ve been my own best friend for a long time.
Who else is gonna put up with all my crap?
I’m glad we could clear the air.
I would like to leave you with one final gift:
If you could be in my brain
and see the movies I see,
well, I think you would want
to come to all my premieres.
In love & light,
Keep them guessing,
Written one year ago
At 6:15 in the morning
Not that it matters, but I had Jell-O shots doused with Poprocks the night before
How are your New Year’s Resolutions going?
Remember, the most successful way to write New Year’s Resolutions is to write them for other people – especially people you aren’t especially fond of.
Write them for people who talk too much.
Or are too fat.
Or irritate you by breathing in your presence.
A well constructed resolution might be:
Stop stuffing that donut into your face.
Or stop making eye contact with me.
Or stop talking to me – I can’t pretend to listen to you anymore.
I think you get the idea.
It’s fun and freeing.
It’s a win-win.
In light & love,
And all things lovely,
Keep those psychic emails coming.
That way if we’re hacked,
No one will ever know.